If you ever feel like nobody is listening, that your Facebook page or your Twitter account is just like so much pissing in the wind, then take heart. Yesterday I learned that the President’s medical team were moved by my concerns for a more holistic treatment of the President and have taken measures to alleviate the symptoms of his terminal narcissism.
Currently the President is consuming a unique cocktail of Dexamethasone, a corticosteroid for severe infections; Remdesivir, an antiviral authorized only for emergency use; Monoclonal, an experimental antibody treatment; the antacid Fomotidine, as well as standard flu and cold remedies like zinc, vitamin D and aspirin, now being referred to in the media as the “kitchen sink” approach.
In keeping with this policy of “take no chances, damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead,” the President’s longtime personal physician, Dr. Harold Nelson Bornstein, announced today that measures will be taken to ameliorate the anxiety caused Trump by his enlarged narcissism. Once free of the Walter Reed Medical Center and back home in his own bedroom, the germophobic patient will benefit from the new measures being afforded him for his lingering mental malady.
To that end, Trump has been prescribed the following: a full-length, thinning funhouse mirror; a bathroom scale that always reads 185 lbs.; a case of Tresemme hair spray; 50 tubes of Banana Boat Summer Color Self-tanning Lotion; a spate of size 48 blue suits labeled as size 40; and an oversized, hollowed-out Bible that is much easier to lift for photo-ops and can double as a hideout for his keepsake, souvenir photos featuring the Donald in a variety of sexual positions with Porn Stars.
Meanwhile on another front, growing Whitehouse concerns over Secret Service complaints of reckless endangerment to agents required to chauffeur the President on joyrides in the newly christened “deathmobile,” a hermetically sealed SUV unit, have also been taken to heart. In a gesture of compassion, agents have been issued Scuba gear for these spontaneous public relation events.