
THE INVITATION
INT. TRUMP’S OVAL OFFICE–DAY
Trump sits upon his golden toilet drawing cartoon figures on the walls of the stall with the black marker pen he used to sign his last executive order before leaving the Whitehouse. It’s a crude representation of a couple engaged in fellatio. He quickly adds the title Nancy and Joe.
SFX: a knock on the door
TRUMP (clearly angry at the interruption)
Yes, what is it?
STAFF
I have something here for you sir, that requires your attention.
TRUMP
This better be good, you’re interrupting my art time.
STAFF
I can’t say, sir, but it looks like it could be. It’s an invitation.
TRUMP
Oh, goody I like parties. Seems like all I’ve done since I got down here is take private meetings. First it was that dimwit Kevin McCarthy and then that Greene person, you know the one with the machine gun. Wow! She’s no babe, certainly no Hope Hicks, but she’s as tenacious as Kellyanne. Who needs integrity if you’ve got an overdrive? Am I right?
Trump exits the stall with a trail of toilet paper stuck to his foot. He grabs the letter.
TRUMP
I thought you said this was an invitation to a party… shit, this is from a party, those goddam Dems.
He opens the invitation.
TRUMP
They’re inviting me to testify at my very own impeachment. Finally, they recognize me for the star that I am. Is it to late to retract my letter quitting SAG? Where’s Rudi?
RUDI
Right here, Don.
TRUMP
Oh thank God. Rudi call my lawyers.
RUDI
I did.
TRUMP
So where are they?
RUDI
They all quit.
TRUMP
No I mean the new ones.
RUDI
You mean the ones that just do whatever you tell them?
TRUMP
Yes, those idiots.
RUDI
They’re both hiding. They’re afraid of prosecution if they lie in court.
TRUMP
If you want something done, you just have to do it yourself.
RUDI
So you’ll testify?
TRUMP
Uh, my lawyers won’t let me. I could go to jail, not for lying but for perjury.
RUDI
But I’m your lawyer.
TRUMP
You’re my personal lawyer, my TV lawyer not my real lawyer.
RUDI
How about I set up a Press conference for you, say at a gravel pit or some dump site?
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