S1. E2: The Invitation

THE INVITATION

INT. TRUMP’S OVAL OFFICE–DAY

Trump sits upon his golden toilet drawing cartoon figures on the walls of the stall with the black marker pen he used to sign his last executive order before leaving the Whitehouse. It’s a crude representation of a couple engaged in fellatio.  He quickly adds the title Nancy and Joe.

SFX: a knock on the door

TRUMP (clearly angry at the interruption)

Yes, what is it?

STAFF

I have something here for you sir, that requires your attention.

TRUMP

This better be good, you’re interrupting my art time.

STAFF

I can’t say, sir, but it looks like it could be.  It’s an invitation.

TRUMP

Oh, goody I like parties.  Seems like all I’ve done since I got down here is take private meetings.  First it was that dimwit Kevin McCarthy and then that Greene person, you know the one with the machine gun.  Wow!  She’s no babe, certainly no Hope Hicks, but she’s as tenacious as Kellyanne. Who needs integrity if you’ve got an overdrive? Am I right?

Trump exits the stall with a trail of toilet paper stuck to his foot.  He grabs the letter.

TRUMP

I thought you said this was an invitation to a party…  shit, this is from a party, those goddam Dems.

He opens the invitation.

TRUMP

They’re inviting me to testify at my very own impeachment.  Finally, they recognize me for the star that I am.  Is it to late to retract my letter quitting SAG?  Where’s Rudi?

RUDI

Right here, Don.

TRUMP

Oh thank God.  Rudi call my lawyers.

RUDI

I did.

TRUMP

So where are they?

RUDI

They all quit.

TRUMP

No I mean the new ones.

RUDI

You mean the ones that just do whatever you tell them?

TRUMP

Yes, those idiots.

RUDI

They’re both hiding. They’re afraid of prosecution if they lie in court.

TRUMP

If you want something done, you just have to do it yourself.

RUDI

So you’ll testify?

TRUMP

Uh, my lawyers won’t let me.  I could go to jail, not for lying but for perjury.

RUDI

But I’m your lawyer.

TRUMP

You’re my personal lawyer, my TV lawyer not my real lawyer.

RUDI

How about I set up a Press conference for you, say at a gravel pit or some dump site?