FADE IN
Screenplay S1. E4: Survival Of The Fittest


Editorials
Thespianage, a screenplay, S1 E6


FADE IN
Political Screenplay S1, E3: Trump’s Impeachment Rehearsal




INT. MARA LAGO–EVENING
TRUMP Bill, thanks for coming over. I need your advice on something. I’d like to testify at my impeachment trial.
BILL BARR Are you crazy?
TRUMP Do we have to go there? I can’t answer that truthfully.
BILL BARR No, I mean you can’t take the stand in your own defense.
TRUMP Why not? They got squat. They can’t prove anything, especially what was in my head. That’s intent right? It’s my opportunity to get out again in front of my peeps. Ever since Twitter exiled me to oblivion, I’ve been having withdrawal symptoms.
BILL BARR E.D.?
TRUMP I’d rather not say.
BILL BARR So that’s why Melania is wearing a Chessire cat smile.
TRUMP Can we just get back to the impeachment?
BILL BARR OK, so let’s run a rehearsal. I’ll pretend to be Jamie Raskin and ask you a few questions and you respond honestly.
TRUMP If I can.
BILL BARR Mr. Trump did you tell Americans that the 2020 election was a fraud and that it was stolen from you?
TRUMP Yes.
BILL BARR And did you invite fringe groups of the radical right to come to D.C. to protest the certification of the electoral vote with the intent to stop it.
TRUMP Yes.
BILL BARR And did you in a speech just before the events of January 6th at the Capitol, send them there, even offering to accompany them?
TRUMP Yes.
BILL BARR But you didn’t accompany them did you?
TRUMP No.
BILL BARR Instead you went back to the Whitehouse and watched the violent protest in real time.
TRUMP Yes.
BILL BARR And when you saw the violence erupting, the capitol police being beaten, the vandalism and theft, the woman protester being shot and understood that Congressional leaders were being escorted to a safe undisclosed bunker while those left behind were cowering under their desks or in closets, wearing gas masks, fearing for their lives, did you take action to stop the violence?
TRUMP No.
BILL BARR No? What about the military, the Army or the National Guard?
TRUMP No. Well, kinda, sorta after it was over.
BILL BARR And you maintain your innocence.
TRUMP I didn’t do anything.
Editorials
S1. E2: The Invitation




THE INVITATION
INT. TRUMP’S OVAL OFFICE–DAY
Trump sits upon his golden toilet drawing cartoon figures on the walls of the stall with the black marker pen he used to sign his last executive order before leaving the Whitehouse. It’s a crude representation of a couple engaged in fellatio. He quickly adds the title Nancy and Joe.
SFX: a knock on the door
TRUMP (clearly angry at the interruption)
Yes, what is it?
STAFF
I have something here for you sir, that requires your attention.
TRUMP
This better be good, you’re interrupting my art time.
STAFF
I can’t say, sir, but it looks like it could be. It’s an invitation.
TRUMP
Oh, goody I like parties. Seems like all I’ve done since I got down here is take private meetings. First it was that dimwit Kevin McCarthy and then that Greene person, you know the one with the machine gun. Wow! She’s no babe, certainly no Hope Hicks, but she’s as tenacious as Kellyanne. Who needs integrity if you’ve got an overdrive? Am I right?
Trump exits the stall with a trail of toilet paper stuck to his foot. He grabs the letter.
TRUMP
I thought you said this was an invitation to a party… shit, this is from a party, those goddam Dems.
He opens the invitation.
TRUMP
They’re inviting me to testify at my very own impeachment. Finally, they recognize me for the star that I am. Is it to late to retract my letter quitting SAG? Where’s Rudi?
RUDI
Right here, Don.
TRUMP
Oh thank God. Rudi call my lawyers.
RUDI
I did.
TRUMP
So where are they?
RUDI
They all quit.
TRUMP
No I mean the new ones.
RUDI
You mean the ones that just do whatever you tell them?
TRUMP
Yes, those idiots.
RUDI
They’re both hiding. They’re afraid of prosecution if they lie in court.
TRUMP
If you want something done, you just have to do it yourself.
RUDI
So you’ll testify?
TRUMP
Uh, my lawyers won’t let me. I could go to jail, not for lying but for perjury.
RUDI
But I’m your lawyer.
TRUMP
You’re my personal lawyer, my TV lawyer not my real lawyer.
RUDI
How about I set up a Press conference for you, say at a gravel pit or some dump site?
Editorials
S1. E1: Screenplay For a Republican Docudrama




INT. CLOSED DOOR SESSION OF REPUBLICAN CONFERENCE–NIGHT
Two hundred and six Republicans of the House of Representatives are gathered to determine the fate of Liz Cheney for failing to vote against the impeachment resolution on Donald Trump. Kevin McCarthy rises to speak.
KEVIN
As you all know, Liz did not vote with the party on this one. But before we determine her fate, there is another more urgent matter that we must consider, that of the fringe beliefs and foolish actions of Marjorie Taylor Greene. Is she a true Republican or is she a lunatic heretic? Marjorie, what do you have to say for yourself?
MARJORIE
I won’t apologize for anything I’ve said or done in the past.
KEVIN
Yes, we understand. That was the past, before you were a congressperson.
MARJORIE
Right.
KEVIN
So now you think differently, right?
MARJORIE
Not really. But I am willing to say that was how I behaved before elected. Now that I have been elected, I am willing to agree with anything you force me to agree with in order to keep my job and remain viable.
KEVIN
So you will say that you renounce your heretical beliefs?
MARJORIE
Only in the privacy of this room and before the members of this inquisition, will I renounce my heresy to avoid the pain of burning in fire at the stake. Look, it’s a limited confession, completely forced on me in this plea deal, but if you suckers are willing to accept it and move on, I’m willing to let bygones be bygones and maybe I can convince Donald not to campaign to primary you in 2022.
KEVIN
You know Donald?
MARJORIE
Yes. He loves me.
KEVIN
And you would do that for us?
MARJORIE
Yes, but once I go out that door my personal beliefs are my own.
KEVIN
Right you are. We all support the first amendment.
The members of the inquisition rise in a standing ovation with thunderous applause.
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