TRUMP’S IMPEACHMENT REHEARSAL

INT. MARA LAGO–EVENING

TRUMP Bill, thanks for coming over. I need your advice on something. I’d like to testify at my impeachment trial.

BILL BARR Are you crazy?

TRUMP Do we have to go there? I can’t answer that truthfully.

BILL BARR No, I mean you can’t take the stand in your own defense.

TRUMP Why not? They got squat. They can’t prove anything, especially what was in my head. That’s intent right? It’s my opportunity to get out again in front of my peeps. Ever since Twitter exiled me to oblivion, I’ve been having withdrawal symptoms.

BILL BARR E.D.?

TRUMP I’d rather not say.

BILL BARR So that’s why Melania is wearing a Chessire cat smile.

TRUMP Can we just get back to the impeachment?

BILL BARR OK, so let’s run a rehearsal. I’ll pretend to be Jamie Raskin and ask you a few questions and you respond honestly.

TRUMP If I can.

BILL BARR Mr. Trump did you tell Americans that the 2020 election was a fraud and that it was stolen from you?

TRUMP Yes.

BILL BARR And did you invite fringe groups of the radical right to come to D.C. to protest the certification of the electoral vote with the intent to stop it.

TRUMP Yes.

BILL BARR And did you in a speech just before the events of January 6th at the Capitol, send them there, even offering to accompany them?

TRUMP Yes.

BILL BARR But you didn’t accompany them did you?

TRUMP No.

BILL BARR Instead you went back to the Whitehouse and watched the violent protest in real time.

TRUMP Yes.

BILL BARR And when you saw the violence erupting, the capitol police being beaten, the vandalism and theft, the woman protester being shot and understood that Congressional leaders were being escorted to a safe undisclosed bunker while those left behind were cowering under their desks or in closets, wearing gas masks, fearing for their lives, did you take action to stop the violence?

TRUMP No.

BILL BARR No? What about the military, the Army or the National Guard?

TRUMP No. Well, kinda, sorta after it was over.

BILL BARR And you maintain your innocence.

TRUMP I didn’t do anything.

THE INVITATION

INT. TRUMP’S OVAL OFFICE–DAY

Trump sits upon his golden toilet drawing cartoon figures on the walls of the stall with the black marker pen he used to sign his last executive order before leaving the Whitehouse. It’s a crude representation of a couple engaged in fellatio.  He quickly adds the title Nancy and Joe.

SFX: a knock on the door

TRUMP (clearly angry at the interruption)

Yes, what is it?

STAFF

I have something here for you sir, that requires your attention.

TRUMP

This better be good, you’re interrupting my art time.

STAFF

I can’t say, sir, but it looks like it could be.  It’s an invitation.

TRUMP

Oh, goody I like parties.  Seems like all I’ve done since I got down here is take private meetings.  First it was that dimwit Kevin McCarthy and then that Greene person, you know the one with the machine gun.  Wow!  She’s no babe, certainly no Hope Hicks, but she’s as tenacious as Kellyanne. Who needs integrity if you’ve got an overdrive? Am I right?

Trump exits the stall with a trail of toilet paper stuck to his foot.  He grabs the letter.

TRUMP

I thought you said this was an invitation to a party…  shit, this is from a party, those goddam Dems.

He opens the invitation.

TRUMP

They’re inviting me to testify at my very own impeachment.  Finally, they recognize me for the star that I am.  Is it to late to retract my letter quitting SAG?  Where’s Rudi?

RUDI

Right here, Don.

TRUMP

Oh thank God.  Rudi call my lawyers.

RUDI

I did.

TRUMP

So where are they?

RUDI

They all quit.

TRUMP

No I mean the new ones.

RUDI

You mean the ones that just do whatever you tell them?

TRUMP

Yes, those idiots.

RUDI

They’re both hiding. They’re afraid of prosecution if they lie in court.

TRUMP

If you want something done, you just have to do it yourself.

RUDI

So you’ll testify?

TRUMP

Uh, my lawyers won’t let me.  I could go to jail, not for lying but for perjury.

RUDI

But I’m your lawyer.

TRUMP

You’re my personal lawyer, my TV lawyer not my real lawyer.

RUDI

How about I set up a Press conference for you, say at a gravel pit or some dump site? 

INT. CLOSED DOOR SESSION OF REPUBLICAN CONFERENCE–NIGHT

Two hundred and six Republicans of the House of Representatives are gathered to determine the fate of Liz Cheney for failing to vote against the impeachment resolution on Donald Trump.  Kevin McCarthy rises to speak.

KEVIN

As you all know, Liz did not vote with the party on this one. But before we determine her fate, there is another more urgent matter that we must consider, that of the fringe beliefs and foolish actions of Marjorie Taylor Greene.  Is she a true Republican or is she a lunatic heretic?  Marjorie, what do you have to say for yourself?

MARJORIE

I won’t apologize for anything I’ve said or done in the past.

KEVIN

Yes, we understand.  That was the past, before you were a congressperson.

MARJORIE

Right.

KEVIN

So now you think differently, right?

MARJORIE

Not really.  But I am willing to say that was how I behaved before elected.  Now that I have been elected, I am willing to agree with anything you force me to agree with in order to keep my job and remain viable.

KEVIN

So you will say that you renounce your heretical beliefs?

MARJORIE

Only in the privacy of this room and before the members of this inquisition, will I renounce my heresy to avoid the pain of burning in fire at the stake.  Look, it’s a limited confession, completely forced on me in this plea deal, but if you suckers are willing to accept it and move on, I’m willing to let bygones be bygones and maybe I can convince Donald not to campaign to primary you in 2022.

KEVIN

You know Donald?

MARJORIE

Yes.  He loves me.

KEVIN

And you would do that for us?

MARJORIE

Yes, but once I go out that door my personal beliefs are my own.

KEVIN

Right you are.  We all support the first amendment.

The members of the inquisition rise in a standing ovation with thunderous applause.